It’s been a while, I know. Well turns out, I am not even updating you on my life, so how’s that? 😉
Anyway, I have been wanting to write about this for a while, but too scared of the feedback I would get, I just postponed and postponed it. But I just finished bullshitting writing a paper and so I am on a roll here!
To begin, I also haven’t wanted to write about this because I’ve never wanted to write while feeling sad, because it would reflect in my article and make it sad, which would be sad ya feels?
But here we go. Let’s talk about homesickness. I am talking home SICKNESS, not just missing brie or baguette, I mean real bad-hit-you-deep-in-the-feels homesickness.
Being away from home is a lot to deal with. I mean even acting on the decision to leave is a lot to deal with. Finding a school, securing a visa, budgeting the expenses that such a life changing decision will bring etc. But what happens once you are gone?
I used to think that I would finally be free and independent. Little did I know, my mental health was about to take a big hit as well.
First of all mental health is a complicated issue to talk about, particularly as a black woman. There is something wrong with being mentally unstable, that’s some white people shit. Secondly, and that is the main point of this blog here, who do you address it with? You don’t want to tell your mother that you cry yourself to sleep, because she is already stressing out about her baby girl being an ocean away, let alone dealing with mental issues. You don’t want to tell your friends back home because you want to stay the cool kid who got away and who is doing big things in ze states. You don’t want to tell the people around you because, eh, you don’t know em’ like that to be overly emotional and you wouldn’t want to pass for a weirdo. But isolation is a poison.
You cannot have people worried about you (what could they do anyway), because they are counting on you. Your mother is constantly reminding you how proud she is, and your aunts keep telling you to stay focus. So it’s like you have to put on a show, you have to be okay. After all you made the decision to leave.
The other part to it is “what happens if something happens”. Bad, or good, news hit and you are just numb, there is not much you can do, so you just stand there. You cannot share it with the people around you, they wouldn’t understand why you’re so excited (or sad) about the situation. How do you explain that you don’t want to talk to anyone because your team has been robbed of a European final, or how do you share the excitement that one of your best friend is on her way to a whole new city ready to take on the international business world you are so proud of her, or when your best friend is bound to be the next Idriss Elba and you cannot celebrate with him? How do you share your happiness yet slight jealously when you see your friends and family doing amazing things together/without you? How do you explain how much it hurts to not see your nephews grow up and the fear that you will ever only be a distant aunt to them? How do you express your anxiety when your best friend hits you up, talking about some tumor? How do you talk about all that?
I have not found the answer to those questions, and I am not sure I ever will. I don’t really have an advice here actually lol. However, writing it all for the world to see makes me feel better.
If anyone has ever felt/feels the same way, please feel free to reach out. I might be the worst person at expressing my feelings but I am the greatest listener.
Enough with the sadness yo, I shall now get back to Breaking Bad.